A dear friend recently told me about a song she had that she used to reflect upon her last year…a backing track of sorts. That mode of reflection encouraged me to actually sit down and type out the playlist that has been in the works in my brain for the past year. It’s long, and there is no pressure to read it all!
Each one of these songs accompanied me through the highs, lows, and mundane moments of 2023. The year, and these songs, changed me for better or for worse (and probably a little bit of both).
TLDR Track: the chorus from It’s Been A Year by Ashley Cooke
“I've kept my head down grinding
Just looked up and realized it
Damn, it's been a year
And I ain't sayin' it ain't been a good one
It's been a "did a lot more than I thought I could" one
It's been 365 of record lows and record highs
Loving and losing, fun and confusing, praying and shifting gears
For the minute you got, it's probably a lot, more than you wanna hear
So all I'll say is, it's been a year”
When I think about the list of things that happened in 2023, it is hard for me to believe that everything happened in just 365 days. I was reflecting with a mentor a few months ago and we both were in shock, realizing that the things we were talking about did not happen in some distant past, but happened four months ago, eight months ago, less than a year ago. Just as a quick recap, in 365 days I:
· Moved in with a great college friend
· Threw an engagement party
Hosted INCREDIBLE friends who came to visit me in Houston
· Did goat yoga
· Worked as a partially accredited representative
· Quit my job
· Made incredible friends
· Wept saying goodbye to clients and supervisors who became friends
· Got my lifeguard certification
· Moved to California
· Worked at a summer camp as an offsite coordinator
· Changed my name to “Kit Kat” for the entirety of summer camp
· Dislocated my shoulder while kayaking
· Swam in the Pacific Ocean at sunset
· Hiked in Yosemite and Mount Rainer and in the Redwoods
· Went to Alaska (and picked berries and swam in the Pacific and in a lake on a mountain)
· Went to a bachelorette party
· Went to three weddings
· Drove from MA to FL
· Moved to FL
· Had 3 different state license plates on my car in 3 weeks
· Saw my best friend after six years apart
· Started two new jobs
· Fostered a dog
· Reconnected with old friends and classmates
· Trained for a marathon
And this doesn’t include all of the interpersonal and intrapersonal growth! I think it’s safe to say, “It’s been a year.”
Castle on a Hill by Ed Sheeran
“I found my heart and broke it here
Made friends and lost them through the years
And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long, I know I've grown
But I can't wait to go home”
This became an anchor song during my JVC year in Houston and carried me through leaving. Houston was an incredible city that taught me so so much, but it wasn’t home. I used to belt these lyrics in the car, lingering on the “I can’t wait to go home” for just a second longer than usual. I added this to our camp playlist and singing it out in CA just felt different. It was less desperate and more hope-filled. 2023 has taught me how to carry home with me, allowing me to go back home when I follow the calls and desires that are deep inside me.
Jireh by Caleb and Kelsey
“Going through a storm but I won't go down
I hear Your voice
Carried in the rhythm of the wind to call me out
You would cross an ocean so I wouldn't drown
You've never been closer than You are right now”
I learned a lot about God this year, and about how hard it is for me to realize that I am simply loved. Coming to this truth about love made it that much more apparent to me how I am called to love other people. I remember standing in a detention center, singing this under my breath while getting materials ready to do a pro-se workshop for a group of guys. It wasn’t a good feeling being in those centers, as they are built upon the premise that “the other” is not safe or loved or deserving of protection. God claims otherwise. What a privilege it was to have been touched by the people in those centers. I think about them every day.
Eight by Sleeping at Last
“I want to break these bones 'til they're better
I want to break them right and feel alive
You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong
My healing needed more than time”
As an enneagram eight, control is something that I want to hold at all times when it comes to my own life. I hate being manipulated, controlled, taken advantage of. This song by Sleeping at Last holds a lot of truths for me, but none hit me quite like the fact that “My healing needed more than time.” I wanted to believe that I could stay in Houston, at the same worksite in the same city and that time would heal all of the wounds from my JVC year. 2022-2023 showed me that was wrong.
We Can Do Hard Things by Tish Melton
“'Cause we're adventurers and heartbreak's our map
We might get lost, but we're okay with that
We stopped asking directions
To places they've never been
And to be loved, we need to be known
We'll finally find our way back home
And through the joy and pain, that our lives bring
We can do hard things”
I wasn’t happy in Houston. That’s not to say that there were not happy moments, but I was fighting to hold onto joy. I kept looking to other people and to their advice and their life choices, trying to figure out what to do. It was a jarring thing to realize that I already knew what to do. I had to follow my gut and stop asking people how to get to a place that they never had to go. It was a huge lesson in following my own heart (and God’s desires) rather than what other people thought was best for me. I made some professional trust falls this last year and am learning to be more ok with the idea that getting “lost” professionally and personally is not the worst thing to happen.
Wide Open Spaces by The Chicks
I’d have to cut and paste the entire song in order to highlight the part that hits close to home :)
My mom sent me this song halfway through my JV year, but I don’t think any of us anticipated that I’d go even further west than Texas. Jokes on us, because CA called, and I answered. I got to spend three months frolicking in CA, getting paid to work a job that instilled and inspired joy, hope, and wonder. There were plenty of big mistakes, but I had room to make them. I met the new faces, felt the high stakes acutely, and it was so worth it.
You’re On Your Own Kid by Taylor Swift
“'Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned
Everything you lose is a step you take
So make the friendship bracelets
Take the moment and taste it
You've got no reason to be afraid”
Once I made the decision to leave Houston, this was on repeat in my head, in my heart, and in my car on the way home from work. It helped me reframe leaving Houston not as just an immense loss, but also as a hope-filled step into the rest of my life. Leaving that job was one of the hardest things to date I have done. I was (and still am) passionate about working with people seeking asylum and my heart is still very much with my former clients and others that find themselves in similar circumstances and I have every reason to believe that I will continue that work in the future. I also realized that God was calling me to camp, to rediscover childlike joy, wonder, and hope. I needed reminders that there was goodness in the world and that I am allowed to share in that goodness. I never thought that friendship bracelets would be a part of my vocational journey, but there we were. And so there I went.
That’s All I Know So Far by Pink
“You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind
Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in
Let 'em drag you through hell
They can't tell you to change who you are
That's all I know so far
And when the storm's out, you run in the rain
Put your sword down, dive right into the pain
Stay unfiltered and loud, you'll be proud of that skin full of scars
That's all I know so far”
Another song that found me in Houston and walked with me via a camp car playlist in CA. Not only is it a defiant anthem to growing up, embracing hard things, and coming out stronger on the other side, it also is a reminder that “breakdown precedes breakthrough.” Once I let the walls crack at camp (which was a slow and continuous process) healing had the chance to start because light was let in. I was surrounded by beautiful people in a beautiful place who taught me how to play again, how to trust people again, and how to trust myself again. This work is far from over, but I am well on my way. And that’s all I know so far!
Brand New by Ben Rector
“I feel like for the first time in a long time I am not afraid
I feel like a kid, never thought it'd feel like this”
I cried the first time I heard this at camp. The reasoning behind why those tears were shed will be a whole different post journey, but I learned how to play at camp. Whether it was Capture the Flag, giggling in the Ocean, jumping down sand dunes, or blowing bubbles, I never in my life experienced as much true joy as I did this summer. My smile naturally came back, and it felt so good. After some really hard moments (that honestly started in 2020 and went straight through to this past summer), I forgot what that type of sustained, child-like joy felt like.
Wagon Wheel by Darius Rucker
“But I ain't a-turnin' back to livin' that old life no more”
Arguably one of the more unexpected songs to be on a playlist of mine, but we sang this at every closing campfire of the summer (with some creative lyric changes to make it “camp appropriate”). Most of the song is unrelatable to me, but as the summer quickly came to a close, I realized how the above lyric was a promise to myself. Just because I was leaving camp did not mean that I had to leave the joy, hope, and wonder. I do not ever have to go back to living a life where joy had to be fought for with every fiber of my being or go back to tolerating an environment in which I was under supported. Instead, I could carry all of what God revealed to me through camp with me to whatever came next. What! A! Gift!
Tell Everybody I’m On My Way by Phil Collins
“Tell everybody I'm on my way
New friends and new places to see
With blue skies ahead
Yes, I'm on my way
And there's nowhere else that I'd rather be
Tell everybody I'm on my way
And I'm lovin' every step I take
With the sun beating down
Yes, I'm on my way
And I can't keep this smile off my face”
I have the best friends in the entire world. Not only did they support me through my time in Houston, but they also listened to copious amounts of processing, drove thousands of miles to go on adventures with me, let me witness and share in the joy of their weddings, let me crash in their apartments, went for runs with me, and shared in my joy. From all of the camp conversations, to road tripping up the West Coast with my friend Hannah, to Elise and Chris’ wedding, Hannah and Seth’s wedding, Caitlin’s bachelorette, Caitlin and Michael’s wedding, escapades with Katie in Sitka, Alaska, airport conversations with so many dear friends, last minute Philadelphia breakfasts with Andrea and Mo, and Washington D.C. escapades with Sophie and Elise, these people loved me so well this summer and this entire year. (And this isn’t even including everything that my parents did for me this year!) I am so dang lucky to have them.
Seven by Sleeping at Last
This is another one in which the whole song is important, and if you only listen to one on this list, I’d encourage you to make it this one.
“I feel hope
Deep in my bones
Tomorrow will be beautiful
And I'm ready
God, I'm ready
Oh, I'm ready
Restless and hungry!
I'm ready for whatever comes next”
Katie played this song for me while we were cooking in her “writer’s retreat-esque” home in Alaska. I cried. Every lyric of this song felt like it was meant just for me. I have spent a lot of time since graduating high school running around and living in different places…all to come back home to live with my parents in Florida. It feels strangely “right” to be here now. There is no longer a big rush to “figure it out”. I still want control, clarity, and healing more than I can express, but the yearning for it feels different now. I think it is because I am more “ready” than I ever have been to embrace the unknown rather than chase it. There is a steadiness within me that tempers the restlessness. Adventure is coming, I know it. Here’s to whatever comes next.
To those of you who read (and/or listened) to the end, thank you. This is mostly for my own reflection, a way to process a year that held so much, but I am grateful you are here. I couldn’t do it without you.