There are so many things I could write now. Countless updates about discernment, fear, cross-country moves, soul wrenching goodbyes and miraculous hellos will be written about soon enough. For today, just a story.
An (abbreviated update) just for context. I now work at a summer camp in California! Last night, we were playing camp's version of capture the flag and I was in charge of "holiday detention" where people had to come to get challenges to get back into the game after being tagged by another team. I had many little helpers who were injured or didn't like competitive games, so they hung out with me to give challenges.
One of these littles (I'll call her Suzy for the sake of this story) said that she might want to play, but she wasn't sure so she wanted to watch first. About halfway through the game, I asked her if she wanted to try playing with a counselor as her buddy. She said yes and off she skipped with Tim Tam (one of my coworkers).
A few minutes later, Tim Tam and Suzy were back at Holiday Detention. Tim Tim said, "Kit Kat (me!) we tried really hard but it was really scary" with Suzy next to her wide eyed and nodding. My response? A huge smile, a high five, and a resounding "That's ok! Suzy I'm so proud of you for trying! Come on back with us!" Suzy hopped back into detention and had a blast giving challenges to campers and counselors alike for the rest of the game.
As a stand alone moment, that story isn't anything more than a quirky camp interaction. Yet as I drifted to bed last night, I couldn't help but think about how I'm pretty sure that God responds to me the way that I responded to Suzy. I'll timidly say yes to something and sometimes I love it and keep going. Other times, I come running back, saying "God I tried really hard but it was really scary."
There were times in my life recently that I would have counted a statement like that as a complete and utter failure. As evidence that I'm not enough, can't do enough, and must be stronger. I thought God might be hiding some of those thoughts about me too, looking at me with disappointment as I come back.
Working with Suzy yesterday showed me what God actually says to me in those moments: "That's ok! Gabriela I'm so proud of you for trying!" with a big smile and open arms to hold a space for me where I can still fully and completely participate.